What I needed to say while
sitting beside you in class watching
you doodle black designs on your arm;
While walking behind you in the hall
trying not to act any different than anyone
else; While holding my breath in your presence,
hoping you can guess my thoughts, and yet
dreading your gruesome reaction.
What I needed to say while
watching you at lunch, my face
delicately turned away from you; While
complimenting your new favorite shirt
that you wore today and yesterday,
And the day before that and the week before that.
What I really needed to say was
you really need to take a shower.
4 comments:
haha thats funny. i think you could add more romantic images by like adding in like a day dream that you think up while you're staring at him while he writes on his arm or something. but over all i thought it was really funny cuz u aren't inspecting it at all. haha
This made me laugh... like missy said you don't see it coming. I'm not sure how to help you with imagery because I'm stuck on my own and I'm really frustrated at the moment :P
i love this, it's hilarious! i think you don't need anything more romantic, you just need to emphasize the punchline there at the end.
maybe make it a quote like, "What I really needed to say/'Oh God, you smell so bad.'" Make it blunt, like you can't take it anymore.
I agree with what emilee said. Make the joke more punchy and it'll be funnier. I got, first time, the romance... actually about 3 lines in. So, emphasizing it more is probably not needed (considering the supposed male incapability at noticing subtle romantic overtones). We all saw that, so it can't be too little.
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